I awoke on Monday absolutely convinced we must be half way through the second week of our Easter Hols. As I have no other worldly powers, I had to accept it was indeed only Monday despite my best efforts at visualising my dream.

Last week was long, hard work and painful. All for genuine reasons mind you stabbed posteriors, foot squashing and carcinoma searching. This week has been long, hard work and painful also. But my reasons are less genuine, it’s basically due to my kids pissing each other, and me, off.

Any parent who can survive the holidays without this feeling needs to bottle the solution and sell it world wide. I assure you, you will be a millionaire in seconds. Please can I be top of the waiting list. Until then, there is at least wine.

It’s not like they’ve actually done anything wrong, its just the mindless arguing over literally everything and anything. Some examples of our holiday gripes thus far:

  • Stop & Grow tastes disgusting Mummy, you’ve ruined my food. Don’t bite your nails then life wouldn’t taste as sour.
  • Tea cakes or Rocky Road – ultimate crocodile tear filled tantrum in the middle of M&S, I was tempted to join in but I wasn’t sure my technique was up to scratch.
  • Which egg cup was the “correct” one. I indeed appeared to miss the memo that the egg tastes better in a cat egg cup as apposed to a unicorn one. I shit you not.
  • No you cant have a steak for your lunch Dude – you’re 9 and not anaemic, mineral deficient or paying.
  • House Assembly research doesn’t involve The Premier League or fluffy kittens when it’s about the moon, even Siri agrees.
  • Eldest “Ow” Youngest “Are you ok?” Eldest “I’m clearly not ok, I just said Ow”. There are no words, I am clearly failing at my attempt to drag up loving children, instead I have bred horror-bags with zero manners.

I could go on but I fear my language will worsen and your opinion of me lower to the point of no return.

I have however successfully instructed the twins to get a book (shock horror) and put the iPad down, and I’m pleasantly surprised they managed to get a Tim Peake one off the shelf which is at least correlation to the moon based House Assembly.

My success however has been short lived. They are now measuring the arms of their glasses to see if they are the same shape and length. I also know how many pages are in the book (239)

Do your kids do this? Ive only got 15 pages of my book left to read. Marvellous, you’ve only read 3…

Although its not dissimilar to my attempt to deflect my spending from the Hubs “It was in the sale, there was 75% off” Lies, all lies. It wasn’t in the sale and it cost at least double the amount I stated. Alternatively “This? Ive had it for ages”.

On we go with research about the moon, whilst I’m secretly perusing skincare products and working out my excuse for my most recent accidental purchase.

Happy Hump Day one and all, I for one am grateful it is indeed now Wednesday.

Helen 🖤

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