Parenting Fails and Pigtails - navigating motherhood one fail at a time

Back to School, we have survived!

“Twas the night before School, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse” C.C.Moore (ish)


Well I smell bullllshush, no that’s right darling, sleep tight, school tomorrow, school tomorrow.

My insides are leaping, for all the wrong reasons. Back to School. Tomorrow.

We were epically late to bed considering our usual September rituals, but with good cause so none the matter. Thanks to an army of people and a ton load of debt, we have all the clobber, bags, kit and caboodle for Team Twiglet to lurch into their next Years at school.

I am sure your squares have been lit up with many a perfect portrait of a child or two looking smart and beautiful for their first day back to school. We too have that wonderful shot, preened to perfection and even presentable to The Nana for Christmas frames, but I preferred this one.

The manoeuvre is fondly known as The Crazy Shake, and is coined from some irritatingly enthusiastic kids programme that graced The Mad House screen many moons ago. It just kinda captures my kids, being, well, them! Back to school or otherwise!

Children pulling funny faces in school uniform

That is not to say it has not been a long drawl through weeks of unstructured, potentially wet, guaranteed noisy, chaos. I have become an actual, fully accomplished, real life batty old cat lady in the space of two months.

My shrill fish wife screeching has been perfected, my gritted teeth smile about how everyones summer is going has disappeared from existence, leaving behind, a pretty knackered, unkempt soul, now known as The One Armed Bandit. 

As I am still unsure how long the one armed situ will drag on for, so for now, I will be comfortable with that title.

Although, I have to be honest, a selfish few hours this week and I am hoping by Friday I might look more like I have enjoyed the Summer rather than just survived it. 

Lady having hair done in foils

The Back to School Promise

At the start of every school year, I promise myself I am NOT going to live in lycra, I am going to shower (even if it means I have to wear two “outfits” in one day) before either drop off or pick up everyday, and I shall only wear gym kit if I am actually going to the gym. 

This is a promise I have now been making for the last 6 years of my life. It isn’t even the end of week one this year and I have already failed. I feel like shit, look dog rough, and can’t even pick up a bean can with guaranteed success using only my left arm. I went with an “edgy” hair cut that just looks naf if not “done” and the only kinda “done” I can currently manage is, done in! 

But, with a team of experts (well two pretty good mates actually) I shall be a phoenix reborn. Honest…….

Til Saturday, when The One Armed Bandit needs to start the beginnings of the house alterations by convincing The Hubs he really doesn’t need to keep his holey pants circa 2002!

Until then, I can say only this. Thank the universe it is September, and you have gone back to school!! In the words of the wonderful Toby & Roo, to my little Team Twiglet: 

“I love you, Bye!”

The exponentially long Summer Holidays of 2019 are over, just in time for the Christmas decorations to start turning up in the shops. Seriously, to the world of retails – I am maintaining the summer dresses I never got to wear until the bitter and most likely wet and cold end. Piss of December, they’ve only just gone back to school. Im not sure my nerves could take the thought of them being off again.

Given it is only a matter of weeks until half term, I should probably get used to the idea. Damn these pesky school holidays.

At least by the next one I might be able to shake off my one armed issues. Shake it off, Shake it off. Oh how I do love a bit of Taylor Swift!

Which will inevitably remain in your head for the rest of the day my wonderful Team Mad House. You may thank me anon, and for one more time, Team Twiglet – I love you, Bye!,

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