My Most Epic Parenting Fails of 2019

My Most Epic Parenting Fails of 2019

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My Most Epic

Parenting Fails of 2019

As the year is galloping towards completion, I thought we should take a trip down memory lane and revisit some of my most epic Parenting Fails of 2019. As I have a panache to fail in/with epic style, it has been somewhat difficult to narrow it down to fit in a document smaller than the Magna Carta.

But, as Christmas is getting too close for comfort, try I must! Whilst it is only a 7 month diary thus far, it does give a taster of what’s to come. Poor Team Twiglet having me as a Mum!

 My Most Epic 

Parenting Fails of January 2019

Oh January, the month we all dread. The month when we batten down the hatches and hope the ever mounting credit card of doom can hold off exploding until March.

Or, the month where Mama Bear here needs to remember to put Mr sodding Elf back in to hiding.

I forgot.

Elf on the shelf hiding in a Christmas tree - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

Not only did I forget, I had to hurl said Mr Elf into the depths of the loft, because I didn’t bloody realise the random bag #BossBaby was opening AT MY REQUEST, contained the magic chuffing creature that was supposed to evaporate into thin air and then miraculously reappear on the 1st December.

February 2019

Aw, the month I first graced this planet with my wit, humour and beauty. What a lucky bunch you are. This year, I endeavoured to make pancakes. And give up Diet Coke for lent. I succeeded at neither.

Pancakes are not as easy as they look. Combined with severe aspartame withdrawal, and not a golden syrup bottle in sight, (despite alllmoossst buying a bottle and second guessing myself at least 7 times), the whole affair was a shitter. Thank god for the wonderful Rhiannon who swooped in and saved the day, making the whole pancake making thing look like an absolute doddle. She has super powers I am sure of it. She would give Mary Poppins a run for her money! Speaking of which, have you seen how saucy Dame Julie Andrews can be? I was quite shocked/secretly proud! 

World Book Day Potato Simba from The Lion King - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

March 2019

Awwww 7 years ago #BossBaby exploded onto the scene and completed Team Twiglet. Fast forward to 2019 and it was quite literally close to being the biggest write off of the year.

It was World Book Day, and “we” were tasked to make a character from “our” favourite book.

 Out of a potato.

Bloody marvellous. My negotiating skills are second too none, even if I do say so myself, but shit me, getting three kids to agree on one character is not advised. So, the biggest kid of all (me) stamped her feet the loudest and “we” decided on Simba. It was sketchy whether The Lion King had ever been a book, but amazon didn’t let me down, and Potato Simba was born.

I did that Mummy thing where you pretend to just be helping. The “oh no darling, maybe do it like this” that soon progresses into “no, not like that darling” progresses to “no, look, noooo…guys come on, not like that” finally culminating in “JUST GIVE ME THE POTATO!”. Growing up I swore I would never be that parent, even first time mumming to twins, I was never going to be that person. I lied.

An almost Parenting Fail of April 2019

On a more serious note, April sucked. #BossBaby was not at all well, and despite our best efforts, couldn’t even keep sips of water down for over 72 hours. As it seems is always the case, Team Twiglet don’t get properly ill until Friday evening, because who would want to go to a GP if you can go and see nee-naws, and sadly in some cases, even ride in them.

After a call to NHS 111, Tinks marched herself in to the hospital and was only mediocre unwell on all her stats. So much so, the initial suggestion was to head home and call back up in 12 hours. But, that nagging mothers instinct made me push for her to be given a proper once over. She just wasn’t herself at all. 

Again her stats weren’t all that bad, but thank the universe for a very wonderful, knowledge filled student nurse who as a last test before we went home checked her blood sugar. It was so low it was dangerous – in fact I only learnt how dangerous after it took over 4 hours to get her out of the danger zone and a further 12 hours to get her stable. And all I could do was watch. 

 Always trust your instinct.

Thankfully, it seems to have been an isolated event that arose from a nasty bought of gastroenteritis, but to any fellow parents out there reading this, please always follow that instinct of yours. It will never let you down.   

Poorly Little girl with plasters on her fingers - Parenting Fails & Pigtails
Poorly Little girl with pink cheeks - Parenting Fails & Pigtails
Little girl in hospital eating toast - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

My Most Epic Parenting Fails of May 2019

 

An entire decade flashed through May as we celebrated/commiserated ten, long, occasionally fighty, but mostly happy years being a Mr & Mrs. It sometimes amazes me that neither of us are incarcerated for murder/our own benefit, but so far, so good. In celebration of both being married and avoiding arrest for this long, we had a little do at The Mad House. 

My fail for May is less parenting based and more wife based. I spent months planning our little soirée, everything from the jars on the tables to the paper flowers, you could even find me relaying the patio, so I am going to go with there being a far bit of effort put in.  In the spirit of present giving, I decided to arrange a surprise for The Hubs. This came in the form of a super cool magician – Magic Matt.

He was absolutely epic, from card tricks to stealing some mighty fine watches, his talents are unending. The only issue was, I had relied on an unfounded belief that if The Hubs couldn’t remember the face of a family friend he also wouldn’t remember Matt. I was wrong. He can’t remember my birthday but he can remember the face of a dude in a suit at a wedding of over 200 people 5 years ago. Typical.

June 2019

As Team Twiglet and I are an avid chocolate fans, Easter is our favourite time of year. Yes, my most epic parenting fails of 2019 in June began life in April. We live by relatively strict consumption rules Monday – Friday, because I am a misery arse who endeavours to raise healthy-ish albeit slightly feral small folk. As a result, come June there were still some bunnies hiding in The Mad House.

A Red Wine Sunday came around and the girls and I decided we should have a little bake off whilst the boys were at rugby. We would have been right at home in that tent Paul, no soggy bottom from these bakers!

Off to the baking cupboard we went and found numerous useful eggs, bunnies, biscuits and golden syrup (I bought it every time I saw it since Easter, we now have shit loads, better late than never!), so a rocky-ish road was born. Which definitely only fits in the “ish” bit of healthy. But recipe-less ultra keen small folk and some banging* tunes and we were off! Bakers, Bake!

Then the fail came, sleepless nights and a fear that the Easter Bunny may never deliver to The Mad House again.

A picture speaks a thousand words:

Melting chocolate easter bunny in a pan - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

My Most Epic Parenting Fails of July 2019

As Team Twiglet is 2/3 female and I am a rule breaking mofo** we all have a tradition of joining the “Pink Hair, Don’t Care” Club over the summer holidays. This has worked well because we usually spend some of the summer in sunnier climes. All whilst The Hubs stays in the UK to do some hard graft.

By hard graft I mean he has his clothes washed for him by his mum, eats out with his mates at least 3 times a week, and eats off paper plates the rest of the time to save washing up. Yet I am on “holiday” trying to do a weekly shop with my trusty granny trolley flanked by three hooligans on scooters, but yes, hard graft it is.

He isn’t therefore around to see it our hair when it is at its pinkest. Well timed usage of pink shampoo vs normal shampoo and all is well in the world by the time he gets off his next flight.

Unfortunately, we haven’t been away this summer because my stupid nerve decided to get cross with being cut into (I see its point) and I wasn’t well enough to fly post op. So, in order to entertain the small folk we did various fun things together as we would usually do in the sunshine. But we had do navigate the rain, so indoor fun it was.

Off we popped to the hairdressers and a light pink toner was washed through the girls hair, much the same shade as the shampoo we normally use. A wash in, wash out principled colouring technique. But boy did it come out pink. Fabulously so, but even though I am down with the kids, it did take some getting used to. 

Pink hair on little girls - Parenting Fails & Pigtails
Pink hair on little girls - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

As the weeks went by, mine faded perfectly. I even had it done a handful more times before a smurf styled fail put me in detention. But the girls hair, well didn’t. At all. So as the summer played out before us and September edged ever nearer, it dawned on me that this could be a school policy violation. Whilst as super cool as I am (not) teachers still scare the shit out of me, even though I am apparently meant to be a parent.

Sure enough, September arrived, and no matter how well plaited or conveniently coiffed their hair was, there was no denying they were still full time members of the “Pink Hair, Don’t Care” Club.

At least they owned it. #BossBaby thought “Rebel” was a naughty word when a friend innocently complimented her on her undeniably pink locks. She bided her time and lay in wait for the right moment to avenge this crime and stamped, with vigour on this poor kids brand new, and still very white, trainers. All for paying her a complement.

Note to self: swear more in front of children so they have access to a full range of vocabulary and can differentiate between an insult and a compliment with ease.

Oh no wait, I don’t think school would approve of that.

I hope you’ve enjoyed a little trip down memory lane, and have had a laugh along the way, until next time,

Signature - Helen - Parenting Fails & Pigtails

*are tunes still banging these days? Retro cool? Or just old and out of date?

**you’re impressed I’m down with the kids I know – too cool for school, thats me ……

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day – Endorphins

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day – Endorphins

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day 

 

As a busy Mama and owner of Team Twiglet, exercise can sometimes feel impossible to fit in. Despite my best efforts, there are occasions when I simply run out of time. Or, given my life motto, I am out of action due to some self inflicted injury or ailment. In the spirit of National Women’s Health & Fitness Day, I thought I would fess up!

How many times have you put your gym kit on and not made it in the actual gym?

This week: Gym 1 vs Gym kit 3 – and its only Wednesday!

My leisure garment wearing has increased to a level where it is wholly unacceptable. This is my go to outfit choice based on the fact it is stretchy. I pair it beautifully with an unkempt mum bun, zero makeup and the potential to utilise an emergency bra free day when I can’t find the grey mangey fave I am looking for. (truth be told I am a huge advocate for the #FreedomFunBags campaign anyway, I digress!)  

But not too many moons ago, I was a self proclaimed gym goer.

Back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth: Gym 5 vs Gym Kit 5 (& ¾ – no one is perfect)

More over, I loved 9 out of 10 work outs. It really does give me that ever so needed endorphin rush. A whole hashtag has been devoted to National Women’s Health & Fitness, what an accolade to have earned! Thats how awesome exercise is!

Endorphins

By definition endorphins are: any of a group of peptides occurring in the brain and other tissues of vertebrates, and resembling opiates, that react with the brain’s opiate receptors to raise the pain threshold.

In more sole remaining marble owner terms- these incredible bad boys are known to help with pretty much everything from boosting your mood to improving your productivity. Where do I sign?

Kristen Domonell writes: there is a physical change in our neurochemicals when your body comes under stress or experiences pain. Endorphins are produced in the brain’s hypothalamus and pituitary gland, explains J. Kip Matthews, Ph.D, a sport and exercise psychologist.

Endorphins, are a natural painkiller as they are able to activate the opioid  receptors in the brain allowing our awesome human bodies to minimise their own discomforts.

And, as if it couldn’t get any better, they also encourage feelings of happiness, even euphoria and an over all improvement in our well being.

Euphoria can’t get much better than areal yoga for me, the exhilaration and sheer dread I may fall out at any time, certainly get the endorphins flowing!

“Endorphins are also involved in natural reward circuits related to activities such as feeding, drinking, sexual activity and maternal behavior,”. J. Kip Matthews, Ph.D

Exercise is the gift that keeps on giving!

Not only are there real life chemical reactions going on in our bodies when we work out, there are a whole heap of benefits that adorn us (mum bun and all) with, when we work out!:

  •  It helps to give us control over our weight. When we exercise we burn calories and there is scientific correlation between the intensity of our output and the number of calories we use up. Physical activity is great for you and the more consistent activity you do throughout your day, the better! Fitness trackers are a great way of counting steps, and encouraging you to beat your previous goals. I wear a Fitbit (not an ad or affiliate link) and you can set your goals to suit you. As I am struggling to exercise much, I take comfort in knowing I have done enough steps to feel slightly less guilty over the kids leftovers I inhaled.
  • Regular exercise works wonders on combating and even controlling health ailments. Blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety and even cancer. It should be prescribed, it sounds like a wonder drug.
  • By releasing those fabulous peptides into our brain we also improve our moods, and it can even help with depression. Personally, I find running is one of the best things I can ever do for my mental health. Even if its currently dino-arm style. Furthermore, as a bonafide insomniac, I was pleasantly surprised it can even help you sleep! 

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

Overall, I feel like National Women’s Health & Fitness Day should offer us a lifetime use of the #. I for one can’t wait to be back in my lycra for an actual reason, and not just because I am having a fat day. The benefits I enjoy from regular exercise are too long to list in their entirety, but I know from a mental health as well as physical perspective, it is a top priority. It is one of the best ways I can spend time on myself. 

If you fancy getting moving more or smashing a deadlift, I hope you guys enjoy those awesome endorphins as much as I do,

Signature Parenting Fails & Pigtails
#SocialSeptember with Mummy Social

#SocialSeptember with Mummy Social

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Mummy Social and Me – #SocialSeptmeber

#SocialSeptember & Me:

Let’s go back on a little journey together, way back when on a winters day, I remember needing a pint of milk from the supermarket. With 3 month old twins in tow. My stumbling blocks were vast and many, here are just a few examples:

Do not reverse park when you have a buggy in the boot.

Having two babies in car seats does NOT make it easier to shop.

Yes, I know I have my hands full.

Yes, they are cute.

Yes, they are mine.

No they aren’t identical. Yes I am absolutely sure, one has a willy and one doesn’t.

Yes, I am married (not that it has any bearing on mine or any one elses parenting ability)

Yes, I am clearly old enough to have children. I have two.

The Supermarket & Me

During a particularly lengthy supermarket interrogation, whilst simply trying to buy said pint of milk, I came to realise this:

How bloody lonely I was.

It was pre the days of utilising social media by way of communicating, and I gave birth before the NCT classes had even begun. 

Mother Teresa  Quote - Parenting Fails & Pigtais
CS Lewis Quote - Parenting Fails & Pigtais

Mummy Friends

I initially didn’t make many new “Mummy Friends”, my lack of confidence was rife. 

Its like being surrounded by people but not feeling a soul around you. Despite having two small things to be responsible for, I felt marooned on an island of sterilisers, puke sodden muslin cloths and a tower of stinking nappies. 

Had it not been for some well timed encouragement from Mama Bear, I think my relationship with the twins would be a fraction what it is today. I am riddled with a life long inability to have confidence in myself. I had resigned to the fact that the twins were better in someone else’s care. Someone who knew what they were doing like our most wonderful Bobby, Denisa & Rhiannon, or someone who seemed to just “get” being a mummy.

The stigma surrounding mental health worries me greatly.  Would you leave a hospital without your stitches tied, or your cannula removed? No, we wouldn’t. Yet loneliness and mental health seems to be hushed over, whispered about, or in the worse case scenarios, downright ignored.

As a child, there was a huge stigma around mental health, a pull your socks up and get on with it kind of attitude. So up those socks were pulled. But post-partum blues were horrendous for me, its a shame that only hindsight showed me this.

When #BossBaby was born,  I got it. It fell into place. Whatever “it” is, for the first time in almost 3 years. From the minute she was born I had the rush. That feeling of love beyond anything else. It also made me realise, I love the twins just like I love her. I wasn’t a failure after all. I was a Mummy, a bonafide parent, not an imposter. And so The Twiglets were unified, one cuss, I mean cuddle, at a time!

#SocialSeptember

When I approached Mummy Social to share my interest in their campaign, #SocialSeptember it was in order to give hope to those who might not be ready quite yet to share EXACTLY how they feel. A safe place, without judgement or shame would have been the most incredible thing for me just shy of a decade ago.

Mummy Social screen shot by Parenting Fails  & Piigtails
Mummy Social screen shot by Parenting Fails  & Piigtails
Mummy Social screen shot by Parenting Fails  & Piigtails

Somewhere to express how I could go from coping to surviving and on to struggling in the space of a day. Heck, it could disintegrate to disaster level in less than an hour. Now I know, that it is ok. It always has been ok, I just didn’t really know it. I can whittle hours away trying to reminisce the twins early years, and as this post involves opening up and telling the truth, shame and embarrassment aside – I feel like I can barely remember a thing.

Other than Thing 1’s first word was shit.

Let that sink in.

S. H. I. T.

All because she had dropped duplo on the floor.

Mother of the Year right there.

I was mortified. Not helped by this happening in front of our brand new neighbours at the time. The very same pair had given us marriage lessons through the church not too many years before! In my defence Mother, I had inadvertently exposed her to this language at such a young age due to dropping a tape measure on my foot and the expletive slipped out of my mouth. I know it is no excuse, but I hadn’t know she was even there let alone in ear shit, I mean shot!

Mummy Social and their #SocialSeptember campaign offers you the ability to find fellow mamas in and around your area. It is easy to navigate and takes seconds to sign up. I would thoroughly recommend giving it a whirl, its free and if I can use it, anyone can!

Mummy Social Quote from Parenting Fails & Pigtails

What the app can offer is amazing. I really hope by signing up, interacting with people and making new friends, we can end loneliness. Together.

PS. please accept my apologies – this post was written and published earlier this month, but I had a technological fail (standard) and have had to repost it. My laptop has been at severe risk of injury for the last 5 hours. I can’t promise its out of the woods yet…..

The Art of Parenting

The Art of Parenting

The Art of Parenting

The Art of Parenting. How is there an art to parenting? Like, I make sure Team Twiglet are fed, watered and clothed, does that make me an artiste? Is it my flair for entertaining voices in the bath? Or perfecting the ever so important Mum Glare when the kids are turning into possessed Tasmanian devils in the cereal isle? Either way, I’m not convinced there is an art to it.

Same Shit, Different Day.

We are on week 5 of the epically long Summer Holidays, and I think all of us are beginning to lose a marble or two. Artistic it most definitely is not!

There are so many hints and parenting tips for you to absorb in the magical world wide web, it is pretty much an Idiots Guide to Parenting.   

Team Twiglet, wet play. Parenting Fails and Pigtails. The Art of Parenting.

Except, the main thing that seems to be sparse in the advice for parents of babies to teens alike, is this:

The fact that each individual soul that walks this planet, is unique.

What I may find funny for example, could be offensive to the person on my left, but mildly amusing to the person on my right. Yet despite their indifference, I am rolling around on the floor in a fit of giggles, because it tickled me pink.

Quote No One is you and that is your super power. The Art of Parenting. Parenting Fails and Pigtails

So, whilst there is a fountain of knowledge out here in the massive technological universe, I suggest to try to take each Parenting Styles or Preschool Parenting Advice or any other of the millions of parenting related titles, with a proverbial pinch of salt.

No two humans are the same, there is no one else who is you. And as the quote states, it really is a super power.

I spent some time figuring out who I am this year, with the help of Martha Beck and it has been an amazing exercise that I thoroughly recommend. Personalities are so complex, sometimes it is hard to figure out who you are, let alone any one else. 

Its a Twin Thing

I say the above based on limited, but genuine experience. Having been launched into parenting on a nappy filled rocket, we welcomed twins almost a decade ago. My pregnancy was complexed due to multiple reasons. Primarily cancer + pregnancy isn’t a great combo, but we’ve made it thus far regardless.  

Thing 1 for example, would only sleep on her front*, which is against all advice. But she would cry and cry on her back yet slept soundly on her front. Where as Thing 2, would only sleep on his back.

A minute apart in age, a world apart in personality and preferences. 

Comparing when you have twins is pretty much a mortal sin, but somewhat inevitable. Having two children grown in the same womb, sharing the same conditions and entering the world at almost exactly the same time, leads to some natural comparisons. If Thing 1 was winding better, I would try and figure out the perfect technique to use on Thing 2. I had completely lost the understanding that they were indeed entirely separate entities. I now know, each and every child is as different as the advice available to trawl through.

Whilst I wouldn’t swap our parenting baptism of fire, I am grateful they are somewhat self sufficient these days. The twins have even started to make their own breakfasts! Team Twiglet continue to amaze me each and every day. Thats not to say they don’t push my buttons, argue and invariably cry multiple times a day. For my sins, I am a shouter. Despite my best efforts a few years ago to give up shouting for lent, the Summer Holidays aren’t all that easy to navigate. It has however decreased in volume and frequency now they are now old enough (ish) to reason with, and I no longer have to wrestle a crocodile to remove yet another piccalilli shit storm!  

The Art of Parenting?

I feel, should there be an Art of Parenting, that someone, somewhere needs to take ownership and filter out the tosh that is floating around these binary 0’s and 1’s. 

There are too many people who seem to know the best and apparent only way of parenting correctly. I however do not. I believe we each parent the best possible way we can, and the way I do it, is no better or more correct than the way you do it.

And my attempt is most definitely is not Art,

*The current guidelines recommend an infant to sleep on their backs, I was aware that this was against midwife regulations, but as a sleep deprived mummy of twins, I got to the stage of if it works, it works. I spent many nights in restless slumber checking on her, the mum guilt was rife. She still sleeps on her tummy, bum high and wrapped up like The Hungry Caterpillar.

I do not however recommend or endorse other people ignoring these well researched guidelines. 

Back to Basics – SEO

Back to Basics – SEO

Every Day I’m Waffling

Back To Basics

To be fair, back to basics is pretty much how this week has panned out. Post op, Ive not been feeling myself, and it has seemed to be the best tact to take in multiple situations. My facial expression opposite says it all! I have however, been cheered up by the slogan on this fabulous, flamingo pink jumper and it couldn’t be more accurate. (Thank you to one of my all time besties for such a fabulous treat, you know me so well, I shall be seen wearing it forever more!). You can find this fabulous jumper here http://www.cocaranti.com 

or here https://www.wildfox.com ).

Albeit, the “thinking about” isn’t about to change into “going to” the gym any time soon I fear. It is more truthful to say I am “Pining about the gym” it is after all, one of the things I love most in the world.

I say one of the things and not the main thing because, aside from the obvious kids, The Hubs, The Fam & Friends etc etc. My most favourite thing in the whole entire world is ….this is going to come to you as a complete shock, as it has never, ever been mentioned by me before………wait for it……….

is the suspense killing you yet…..

WIIIIINNNNEEEEE.

I bet none of you saw that one coming. 

This week has not been a good week. Between shoulder spasms, tears, staples and sleep deprivation, I appear to have also lost my usually fantastical (ha) sense of humour. I have sat down to write witty, engaging, SEO friendly content about 100 times – with absolutely zero success. So instead, I am going to ignore whether or not this #blog is, or is not, ticking all the right boxes and go back to basics. I’m thinking more toast, less Yoast. (which, should you be needing to find out vital stats for your blog is awesome by the way, it just doesn’t taste too good with butter https://yoast.com ). 

Lets go back, waaaaay back, back to basics and what I do best. Waffle complete and utter tosh to all you lovely folk in the hope it raises at least a smile or two. Ironically, currently as I type, only one half of my face can smile. If I concentrate, (big ask I hear you say), I can get the other half to work a bit too. 

However, I dribble when I drink and that’s pre-wine, and I can’t guarantee the food on my fork makes it into my mouth in the way expected of fully fledged adults. My eating habits resemble those of Thing 1 and Thing 2, and that is most definitely NOT a good thing. I also can’t be certain whether I’m chewing the food I have put in my gob or my tongue – either way its classed as protein I guess?

So, going back to basics to means I need to get one thing off my chest. The whole algorithms, SEO, DA, PA is BORING. There, I’ve said it.

BORING. BORING. BORING.   

 My goal is to grow with this blog, to align with fabulous readers, likeminded brands and creatives, and ultimately  showcase my wonderful waffle to the world. I endeavour to catapult my social presence, and one day be cool enough to become that coveted thing known as A Success. Currently, my only hope is to align with brands who need help marketing contraception I reckon. Having 3 kids under 3 sends even the most normal of people bonkers. I was disadvantaged from the off, as not normal to start with.  

Or, maybe I could be an anti-influencer? Work with rival companies and spoof their competitors. Hey, I reckon that’s a business idea right there, what do you think? Are you in? Reminiscent of Punk’d way back when MTV only had one channel and Ronaldo debuted for United.   

I have to confess, I used to try to be cool. Those who know me personally, please feel free to belly laugh at these attempts, mostly found in the late 90’s blessedly before social media was a thing. A big hello to those who know me through this blog and my internet documented fails, check out https://parentingfailsandpigtails.co.uk/uncategorized/friyay/ and the rest of my site, where I can guarantee you will get a feel for my general, and life long ability to find myself in situations that can only happen to me.

Today, I look ghastly. I don’t reckon all the make up in the world will make my face or my staples look any better. It’s a shame it’s not nearer Halloween, because I wouldn’t need a costume. Thank you to all those that have just fleetingly thought I’ve never needed a costume because I naturally look scary enough. Or that I have Casper the Friendly Ghost nailed  365 days of the year. 

Im also devastated to say that I don’t think I can fly (yoga or aviation) anytime soon. My head feels like it weighs about 50 stone, oh no wait, that’s me due to the disastrous number of crumpets I’ve consumed and inflicted on my ever expanding arse. My head is more like 5 stone perhaps. Fun Fact of today: The average human head actually only weighs between 10 – 11 pounds…

https://www.brainstuffshow.com/blogs/how-much-does-the-human-head-actually-weigh.htm  

Can you tell its the Summer Holidays and I am trying to entertain Team Twiglet with random fact finding expeditions due to the disastrous weather? You can actually ask Alexa anything. And yes Thing 2, she does indeed burp. I am not convinced using Alexa fits in with my back to basics philosophy of today, but nobodies perfect. 

Unfortunately, I  feel like my head has the potential to physically hang off, reminiscent of Nearly Headless Nick for all those Muggles out there. In fact, if I sneeze, I reckon my head might actually fall off. I also have “cough fear” in so much as my insides might end up outsides should I have to clear my throat. I have to admit, I have reached the stage now where I am sick of the muscle spasm, my head feels like I’ve lost a round with Tyson Fury, and my neck resembles a zipper.

Shit day all round I say. 

As the saying goes “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry”. My darling Sister-In-Law produced the photograph opposite using this app https://www.faceapp.com in the hope of raising a smile. Despite her best efforts, it has genuinely filled me with dread about how bad I am going to look when gravity takes hold and my nose trebles in size! I mean, I know your nose never stops growing (this could well be less fact, more fiction akin to when your ‘Rents tell you if the wind changes, your face will stay like that), but seriously, with that nose, I’m giving Shrek another run for his money. 

https://parentingfailsandpigtails.co.uk/uncategorized/my-blog-and-i-readership-or-really-sht/

I am however about to download it and use it as this afternoons Wet Play entertainment given the dire weather July has offered us thus far, given the fact we are already week 2 of the Summer Holidays. Why is it only ever sunny when they are in school? 

So whilst this waffle isn’t SEO friendly, it is making me feel better, and hopefully resurrecting my love of writing funny’s. I I feel as though I have got myself so lost in trying to figure out how to make Parenting Fails & Pigtais “work”, Ive forgotten why I began inflicting my waffle on you lovely folk in the first place. 

I am taking up this minute piece of binary 0’s and 1’s to make you, me and anyone who cares to read this, laugh. I can assure you, my life, my attempt at motherhood and all that goes with it, is most definitely, unequivocally NOT Instagram friendly. For example, when I decided to use washing up liquid in the dishwasher one time, because I had run out of tablets. DO NOT DO THIS, unless you want a Foam Party circa 1999. It did smell far better than whatever that foul stuff was that we not only voluntarily got sprayed with, we actually paid for the privilege!!! This would have been an ideal time to go back to basics and actually just do the washing up, karma totally got me back.

Whilst attempting to use my business but drug fuddled (legal ones only) mind these last few days, Ive been researching social media content, and how to schedule posts in order to stay current and relevant.

Do you know there is a national “Talk in an Elevator Day” coming up. An actual day, dedicated to talking to someone in a lift. I am super tempted to get myself a little chair, a coffee, and park myself in a fancy one in Selfridges or somewhere, and see how long it takes for security to arrive.

“Gosh, sorry Mr Security Guard, Today is National Talk in an Elevator Day. I am fulfilling my duty on behalf of our nation. Oh, the chair? I went with comfort, you know, my dedication to our nation has meant I have been here a few hours already. I used my initiative. In fact, I bet there is a National Initiative Day too, I shall research and get back to you. Please come in, mind the gap, I shall now talk to you whilst ensuring you reach your desired destination. Oh shit, we missed your floor, not to worry, we can go back up again.” Cue some big burly dude taking me, my chair and luke warm coffee out of the building via the fire escape to avoid bringing any further shame to the fabulous store that is Selfridges.

Guys, may be it’s not actually a terrible idea? It would certainly make for a good Vlog. Think flash mob? But for now I shall leave you with my none SEO, DA, PA box ticked waffle, because sometimes its nice to just write, 

The Mummy Concierge

The Mummy Concierge

The Mummy Concierge offers you personalised planning from bump to baby. How amazing does that sound? When I fell pregnant it was a huge, HUGE surprise. Given the amount of treatment I had received, there was little hope that my ovaries were in good enough nick to conceive naturally. I have an ongoing battle with that annoying thing called cancer – more on that here -> https://parentingfailsandpigtails.co.uk/the-big-c/. In order to start on the IVF programme, we were advised to “stop being careful” for 18 months, with the view that we would then begin to try to introduce children into this world, however that was possible.

Little did we know, 4 months into our 18 month plan, we would be fortunate enough to conceive naturally! An as if that news couldn’t get any better, we were expecting TWINS.

Now, I wouldn’t swap them for the world, but boy was it tough. From “peeing on a stick” right through to my emergency c-section, it wasn’t plain sailing. On top of that, my level of disorganisation was shameful. Thing 1 and Thing 2 arrived so early we hadn’t even had the car seats delivered. Fail numero uno considering you need to have one in order to take bubs/bubbas home from hospital with you.

Although not required immediately, the nursery still had the lingering odour of fresh paint, the blinds were yet to be hung, and even the heating was a bit sketchy. But alas, they were ready to make their entrance into the world, regardless of how unprepared I was! We landed, twins and all, with a (still ginormous postpartum) bump.

What The Mummy Concierge offers

Tiffany offers a service that will cover all the lists of lists that daunts us all about impending parenthood. Who here loves a list? “Me” I hear you say, but I’m guessing, like me, only the ones you manage to tick off! Which was definitely not the case in the aforementioned scenario. It is so very important to get the help and guidance you personally need, and no amount of blogging me, you or the other millions of wonderful people out there do, can achieve this. I certainly don’t have all the answers or the ability to offer all the guidance you seek for the newest member(s) of your family. 

Aiding in everything from personal confidence to pram purchasing, Tiffany endeavours to ensure the transition from bump to baby is a seamless as possible. Although, I have to say, sleepless nights are pretty much a guarantee, if you were unaware of this, I am sorry to be the one to break it to you. On the upside, Tiffany can even aid in the night time routine, she is practically a real life super hero, who is contactable by email tiffany@themummyconcierge.com day, or night. 

Stylish Mama’s To Be

Bump support and style are two key areas The Mummy Concierge covers, which would have been of such benefit to me and my humongous sized bump. I struggle to tick the “stylish” box naturally, and I definitely didn’t achieve the coveted pregnancy glow. Primarily because I was either being sick, felt sick, or was sick of being sick for pretty much the entirety of both pregnancies. I am gutted this service wasn’t available when I was green (morning sickness/nerves/shit the bed I’m having twins/all of the above) with worry about becoming a first time Mummy. 

If there is an area in parenting you need help, advice or assistance on, I would thoroughly recommend visiting www.themummyconcierge.com

Tiffany’s testimonials go to show what an amazing job she has done for each of her clients, I only wish I had my name on there! Her website is clean, easy to use and informative. Given the multiple ways to contact Tiffany, it leads me to believe she is incredibly dedicated to her clients and the role she plays in the amazing journey of bringing a little bundle of joy in to this world.

I am a full-time hands-on Mama and I know I still need all the help I can get – even if my #BossBaby is 7 (years) old already. Whilst Im a huge advocate of finding your own way in life, sometimes knowing a (wo)man who can is the most emotional and time efficient option available. 

Have a peep, Im sure you will love what she offers just as much as I do,